Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
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I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Who would have believed that the perfect Wikipedia photo caption could have been improved upon?
What do you call a computer that sings? A Dell!
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr