I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.

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Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone


I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”


[voice recognition in car]

Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”


Who would have believed that the perfect Wikipedia photo caption could have been improved upon?


I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.


Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.


*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.


when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold


[doing a crossword]

friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony

me: baby horse

friend: no like fake

me: unicorn jr