I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
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Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.