@Jackson5toLife

I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.

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@paralysing_word

If you think you’re too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.

@KentWGraham

Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?

@iamfase

The greatest trick Facebook ever pulled was to convince the world we actually want to keep in touch with people we went to school with.

@ojedge

“Spirits, are you there?”

[ouija board] IF  YOU  LIKE  IT  THEN  YOU  SHOULDA  PUT  A  RING  ON  IT

“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”

@13spencer

Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.

Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.

@Mardigroan

Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.

@SentenceReduced

This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.

@ShadyLadyHH

I’m basically Switzerland.

I’m cold and you have to get really high in order to truly appreciate my beauty.

@dafloydsta

DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?