If you think you’re too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
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Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
The greatest trick Facebook ever pulled was to convince the world we actually want to keep in touch with people we went to school with.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] ＩＦ ＹＯＵ ＬＩＫＥ ＩＴ ＴＨＥＮ ＹＯＵ ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ ＰＵＴ Ａ ＲＩＮＧ ＯＮ ＩＴ
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
I’m basically Switzerland.
I’m cold and you have to get really high in order to truly appreciate my beauty.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?