Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.

My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.

He described his son as “very mature”.

Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.

Me: Do that thing I like.

Husband: Soaks dishes.

I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”

There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.

Okay, Feds.

wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*

A classic example of a cat being a cat.

Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.

I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.

Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row

Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.

My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.

Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.

I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.

When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.

Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.

I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.

I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.

I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.

Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.

All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.

You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.

[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?

me: *deep breath*

therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up

me: *slow exhale*

Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.

I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.

Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?

Me: Probably… Saskatchewan

Them: …

Me: or Worcestershire

“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma

Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School

People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.