Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.

I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.

Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.

“You’re beautiful on the inside.”

– Me, to a Twinkie

I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.

from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically

Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?

[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.

HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.

[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]

“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”

The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.

Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.

Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock

Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”

[summoning my first demon]

ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.

MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?

Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band

Her: N*SYNC?

Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator

Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti

Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.

Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.

My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.

[shakes fist at other fist]

T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.

On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..

How hung over are you?

Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they

Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.

Idiots

Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.

I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer

What’s the matter, babe?

You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.

Me: I’ve got distressed genes.

Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.

M: Have you met my family?

If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.