I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
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Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
knights of the ikea table
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.