Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
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I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.