I hope your spoon slides into your soup
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I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved
My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
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normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.