I hope your spoon slides into your soup
You Might Also Like
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*