Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.

Vegetarian? Sea kelp.

Cannibal? Seek help.

“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”

The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.

*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*

“Where you going?”

Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.

I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”

I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”

[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real

[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…

[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem

Cat 911: What’s your emergency

Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish

Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it

Cat:

Cat 911:

Cat: Haha hahaha

Cat 911: hahahha

Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter

Me: I won’t force religion on my child

Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*

[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*

[First Date]

No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.

[Second Date]

*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*

Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.

It’s kids. I have kids.

Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.

Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.

Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?

My cat:…

can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’

The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.

My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.

She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.

Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.

I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.

McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?

Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?

Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.

Me: Piece of cake, babe.

[one week later]

Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.

There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.

Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.

wow