I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
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Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
🖕🏻👽
🤣
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.
The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.
Police Officer: And where have you been tonight?
3 Kings: We’ve been hanging round barns looking for a virgin.
Police Officer: Come with me to the station please.
This is top tier marketing 😂🤣
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*