Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.

[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.

Welcome to the dark side.
We have….

Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.

As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:

“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”

my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after

People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old

“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.

Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.

Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.

You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-

making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs

I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.

Mammals for $500 Alex

“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”

What are sloths?

“Wrong, What are coworkers”

Me: Say that word I like

Him: Pajamas?

I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.

i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later

Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.

And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?

Wife: what’d you do after work?

Me: I may have taken a nap

Wife: you may have or you did?

Me: I may have did

It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.

Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”

*toddler screaming in car seat*

Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.

Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?

The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.

Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.

Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?

Calamarie Kondo: What

My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.

How to make it rain:

-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”

The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.