me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
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7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
“Damn girl, you look hot”
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
What do you call the yellow ones?
And the black ones?
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry