@malt_skull

I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me

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@continentlbkfst

me: do you have these but in the pretzel version

pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank

@AndyAsAdjective

7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?

ME: are…are you high right now?

@daemonic3

“Damn girl, you look hot”

Really?

“Like a sexy little italian car”

DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?

@junejuly12

With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.

@TheBoydP

Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?

@The_Albinoshrek

I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available

@OhNoSheTwitnt

What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.

@ericonederful

I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.

@hotdogsz

babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry