I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
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Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
You have been warned.
Every BBC series about the universe.