@MrScottEddy

I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.

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@anerdonfire2

Fun fact:

Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.

@matt___nelson

CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA

@NoTheOtherJohn

[gives date the “just one sec” sign as I answer my phone] Hello? Oh hi The Pope [I do the hand talking thing to suggest how chatty he is]

@liz_buckley

People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.

@Rollmaninoz

Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?

@RunOldMan

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.

@ArchiePeeler

Giving our 3-yr-old son the big news…

Wife: We’re having a baby!
Son: Keep it in there.
Me: Well, we can’t —
Son: Keep. It. In.

@TheWoodenslurpy

I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.

“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?