@MrScottEddy

I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.

You Might Also Like

@dshack8

Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.

@Sassafrantz

[first date]
Him: You’re amazing! I’m having a great time!
Me: I will fight you for the rest of this pizza.

@bug_deal

Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???

@Jandalize

I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.

@WheelTod

A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet

@alexqarbuckle

Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play

@Trisarahjtops

Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help

@Dee_Aye_Bee

*getting murdered* First time? *sighs* You’ll want to lacerate my abdominal aorta. *sighs, puts hand on the bottom of my ribcage* It’s here.

@famouscrab

u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question