I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.

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Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.


[first date]
Him: You’re amazing! I’m having a great time!
Me: I will fight you for the rest of this pizza.


Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???


I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.


A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet


Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play


Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help


*getting murdered* First time? *sighs* You’ll want to lacerate my abdominal aorta. *sighs, puts hand on the bottom of my ribcage* It’s here.


u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question