I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.

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me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*

death: quit it


[my first day as a magician]

me: *pulls a rabbi out of a hat*

girlfriend: that’s a little unorthodox


I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.


Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.


What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.

What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.


[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!

Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!

Murderer: What the… where are you?

Me: Did you look under there?

Murderer: Under whe-Hey!

Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.

Murder: What- Damn it!



Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent


I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.


Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…

Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.

Single Men say: Yes

Married Men: Try to hide


I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.