@MrScottEddy

I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.

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@WhaJoTalkinBout

me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*

death: quit it

@sonictyrant

[my first day as a magician]

me: *pulls a rabbi out of a hat*

girlfriend: that’s a little unorthodox

@SteveSuckington

I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.

@ThisOneSayz

Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.

@neontaster

What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.

What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.

@Mirimade

[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!

Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!

Murderer: What the… where are you?

Me: Did you look under there?

Murderer: Under whe-Hey!

Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.

Murder: What- Damn it!

@Gupton68

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

@MoistPork

I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.

@GoldenSpirals

Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…

Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.

Single Men say: Yes

Married Men: Try to hide

@Hobo_Splendido

I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.