I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
You Might Also Like
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.