I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
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SCARY COSTUME
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?