I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
You Might Also Like
News guy: The average person will consume around 4500 calories during the holidays.
Me: Pffft… amateurs.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Owl Sanctuary
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq
Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️
Sorry not sorry.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
“soooo little update I’m kinda seeing someone..” — me to my psychiatrist about the tall shadowy figure in a bowler hat in the corner of my room
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary