I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
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Twitter is like:
funny joke
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HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.