Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid

Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*

Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you

[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later

[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies

When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime

finally

A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?

I love you just the way you are.

Though I do have a few suggestions.

Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.

Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.

My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles

Which is why the lights stay off!

My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”

Ooooh. That’ll show me.

As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.

Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like

Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result

Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.

Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.

Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house

Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates

These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.

Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.

[Karaoke Bar]

Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶

Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.

judge: are you the defendant?

me: haha yup, guilty as charged

my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*

me: um whats the policy on take backs here

I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…

screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks

My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere

What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?

I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.

If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.

Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby

Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”

how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes

Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’