Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]

Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”

listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,

“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt

INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?

I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).

When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.

My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.

People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.

My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.

They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.

Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?

Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir

psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*

This is deadly serious:

Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”

There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.

There are 233 today.

There will be *5,000* in a week

TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.

How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.

For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”

My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:

6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.

Me: Why not?

6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.

My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:

NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY

NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY

It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.

newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?

me: it’s fine by me

newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!

My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”

Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.

Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.

A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.

Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.

“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever

Yup

My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.

I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him

I’m not ready for this.

[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.

Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?

Me: ok, but no tongue

Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!