Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade

You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.

TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties

Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself

Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away

[2287 AD]

Omg: dad, where did our names come from?

Karen: the algorithm, son

Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm

Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.

*Looking to buy a house*

ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.

REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…

ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?

Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.

Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified

[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]

Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.

911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]

Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present

Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours

If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.

Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?

Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”

Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..

When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him

The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?

Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.

Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.

I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes

I’m going to call it Pungent

[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation

[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]

Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are

Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most

PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.

7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.

7:15AM – Dammit.

I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.

Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.

women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible

You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?

I’m like that, but with salad.

I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.

Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did