Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.

Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway

Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh

Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit

Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.

I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME

[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok

I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.

Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine

M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!

H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.

M: I BROKE A NAIL!

[The inventor of biscotti]

This coffee would be so much better with a crouton

I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.

Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.

Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.

…. I have learned nothing.

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon

5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?

Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.

Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.

My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices

Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.

How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.

“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,

Pee on it and walk away.”

It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.

Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.

The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.

[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up

[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*

it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut