I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
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At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
My funeral better have a fkn merch table
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet