I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
You Might Also Like
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
🤣🤣🤣
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.