I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
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FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”