I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
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Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
based al yankovic
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”