I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
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[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist