I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
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[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Miscakes
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
This could’ve been an email.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.