I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
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I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
I can’t stop laughing at this
My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.