I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
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Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
set yourself free xox
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
I hate celery. 🤮🥴
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
typical orange cat and void cat behavior
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.