I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
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You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.
Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.
Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.
You’re never too old to follow your dreams.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Who called it baking and not making love
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer