Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?

Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.

“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter

[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?

Encore…

“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.

Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.

[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.

The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles

was Jim off killing horses or…

If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’

I am not telling the truth.

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years

Me: punching a goose in its mouth

Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position

Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose

[zombie apocalypse]

Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up

[arriving in hell]

him: so what did you do?

me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea

Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car

angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?

God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise

(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you

insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired

Attention children:

Mom is closed.

Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?

Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.

Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.

Remorse?

I’m pretty sure I didn’t morse in the first place.

Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”

I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.

Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.

“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys

My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”