I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
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I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?