I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
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Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
