Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out

ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.

Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.

Family:

M:

Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.

Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.

Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.

I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.

Me: OK now i need fresh fruit

Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.

Me: No fresh fruit

Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.

I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed

I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.

her: well don’t just stand there, say something

me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross

her: i said i’m pregnant matt

me: his hair could be the brush part

If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.

[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?

9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.

[My son’s 1st day of school]

ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast

TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now

After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.

*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*

*checks for abs, finds a clown

A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.

If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.

[interviewing to be a lifeguard]

me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶

interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?

When did we get a dog?

-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target

Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.

You don’t need that negativity in your life.

Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?

When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.

Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am

Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.

inflation so bad pets are getting jobs

The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.