I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
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[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Headlines With Threatening Auras.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.