Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.

Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?

Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?

Friend: No.

Me: Then, no.

Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams

Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!

I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:

“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”

So far, they’re crushing it

JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.

ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.

“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead

I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.

Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”

Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.

Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.

Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.

Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company

Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???

I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious

God: you’re a fire ant.

Fire Ant: what does that mean?

God: when you bite something it burns like fire.

Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?

God: what-no.

Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!

I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.

Roses are red, you always mattered,

Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it

I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle

Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.

People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.

Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.

They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.

[Satanic ritual]

Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this

Me: the sacrifice

Leader: they’re cupcakes

Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM

Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.

My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.

Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week

A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.

Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.