I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
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My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you