I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
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me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
we’re dead?
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
