I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
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[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
We watched Flight of the Navigator and my son asked if I had seen it before. I told him I saw it in the theater when it came out. “SERIOUSLY?!?” he asked. I said “yeah…why are you shocked?” and he goes, “Oh, sorry, I just never know what kind of technology y’all had back then.”
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.