Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”

I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.

Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money

Him: Toast me some bread please?

Me *raising wine glass

Here’s to bread!

me: can we go to the steakhouse?

him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous

This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab

Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!

Her: I chose you for your brains

Me: aww

Her: in case I ever become a zombie

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!

Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?

Ages pass.

Empires rise and fall.

Dolphins develop their own space program.

The old gods return.

The stars die out and the sky goes black.

Coworker: Here you go.

Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.

this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray

Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.

animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what

[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.

I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.

I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.

Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.

You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?

Hahahaa WHY!!??

I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”

SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”

ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.

[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?

4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go

Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.

This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane

[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*

at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.

Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*

So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?