I hydrated. Surrender now.
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[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Good morning
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.