I hydrated. Surrender now.
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some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Two windmills were sitting on a hill. One asks the other, “Do you have a favorite song?”
The other replies, “Well… all my life I have been a heavy metal fan.”
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.