I hydrated. Surrender now.
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Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Dolls on drugs
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”