i- i did not expect this
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There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Noah
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.