i- i did not expect this
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[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
It feels like the right time to invest in the guillotine industry.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
if i gave birth in a barn and then a little boy came in and started playing the drums I would throw the baby at him
Apparently being able to recite every word of the song ‘Shoop’, wasn’t part of the skill set they were looking for at this job interview.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.