i- i did not expect this
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“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
One of the best
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
CEOs are in danger, we need to put all of them in a submarine until we know it’s safe
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
The old gods are rising again.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.