i- i did not expect this
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Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
DOOO EEEET
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.