Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.

One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.

Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready

Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*

Model: Who the hell are you

every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.

Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already

My first child will be named New Folder.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.

u guys got any snacks onboard here

[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*

Communication during co-parenting is essential.

My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.

When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.

sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze

I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.

This kitten is just what my house needed.

Another female that doesn’t listen to me.

15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?

Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*

i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window

Murderer: what’s wrong?

Me: it really hurts

Murderer: oh sorry

*stabbing softens*

The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.

I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.

[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want

You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.

In space, no one can hear…

Some early signs you’re growing up:

1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere

Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”

If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.

The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking

As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.

scared to check what name she chose

Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes

Him: Yes but without peas

Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes