@GrowlyGrego

“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”

-Revolving Doors

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@AsgardianRose

North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.

@theshamingofjay

Whenever I see an account with a persons full name I always check to see if they’re famous or stupid

@batkaren

BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks

ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake

BOSS: Getting easier

@KylePlantEmoji

A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it

@cigarin

I don’t just talk to myself. I talk to myself, get in a debate, lose, and then refuse to speak to myself for the rest of the day.

@Home_Halfway

Skywritten letters:

SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR

@ClichedOut

me: will i go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

@baronvonbike

I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.