“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
You Might Also Like
Not my job 😂
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
This tweet has been deleted
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
こいつ天才
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.