I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
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This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party