I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
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[screaming into the void]
MARCO
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
She: I like Cats
He:
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.