I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
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Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?