I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
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Admin smashed it 😂
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello