I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
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I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval
just leave the danger noodle alone
sincerely,
a medical toxicologist
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.