I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
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Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.
Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?