Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.

Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries

What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights

[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.

I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”

[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]

My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.

When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.

[Girl’s night out]

Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there

Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME

11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…

but thinks the market for teeth is.

ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?

a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials

I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails

Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]

*sniffs glue

glue: I have a boyfriend

Me: *goes for midnight jog*

My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE

Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling

Obama: 😳

Biden: Glow in the dark paint

TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better

9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”

When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage

Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*

Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”

this got me crying😭😭

*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*

*grass dies due to lack of water*

My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.

So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping

Me: My first wife loved this movie.

Wife: I AM your first wife!

Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?

GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT

Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!

Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–

GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN

Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.

If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.