I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
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[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
“you look easy to draw”
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”