I identify as an antique shop.
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Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!
Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.
We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Guys, I found it.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
“Why you watching this shit?”
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.