I identify as an antique shop.
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Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.