I identify as an antique shop.
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Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day