Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.

Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”

All the other countries have rectangles

“TWO TRIANGLES”

Alright ok fine

starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport

Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.

Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family

Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer

Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.

Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency

Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah

If I apply for a job at the railroad,

will they expect me to already know how to do the job

or will they train me?

a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath

went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.

“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level

“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next

Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.

My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends

Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms

Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse

[slight drizzle outside]

Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive

Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”

“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently

[Heaven]

Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.

Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭

[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.

Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?

“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian

*Makes a meal plan for the week*

*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*

“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.

I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.

I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it

7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?

ME: he’s a NASA scientist