I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
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Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
My Parenting Wrapped 2024 includes 525600 minutes of not being listened to
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.
I am so behind with news. So sad about the Titanic #rip
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy