Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”

When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.

He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.

[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down

Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”

No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott

Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning

My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite

My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.

Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?

Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*

Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.

coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys

Thank you, Internet.

Thank you.

People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.

Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?

It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.

I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.

*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*

ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.

we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’

Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?

Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.

I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.

I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.

Gets pulled over:

” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”

If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.

If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.

My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.

Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?

Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.

The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?

Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem

Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!

Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?

I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.