I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
You Might Also Like
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.