I identify with this toooooo much. πππππ
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Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said βwhy canβt we just eat cake for breakfastβ and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Patient: Thereβs blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
I hugged someone elseβs mom at a park once and now mine wonβt pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or deadβ¦
Me: Iβd want to be alive.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: Whatβs your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
My wife dared me to yell out βHURRY UP HAYDENβ at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadnβt seen me in years. Thatβs likely because Iβd always seen her first.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: Iβm on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight Iβll only order one.
Date: Wow-thatβs amazing! Youβve got some will power!
Me:
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to βtingle his pantsβ
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now youβre ready to have kids.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what theyβre doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEYβRE DOING??
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, βthis guy is hilariousβ
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] iβll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Her: Lookβ¦I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the recordβ¦you did preface it with βWhen you get a chanceβ¦β
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Me, a cop: youβre gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
The first rule of kite club is that we donβt talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking whatβs for dinner when itβs 9 am.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless theyβve bitten someone.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isnβt comfy enough.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly
Genie: Be careful what you wish foβ¦
Me: God, I wish youβd just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.