I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
You Might Also Like
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Get kittens they said… at least then you’ll know why you’re wide awake at 3am every night
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!