I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
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Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
