I identify with this toooooo much. πππππ
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Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and itβs yours.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you donβt drink.
There werenβt any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled βChad, you left your Jeep lights on!β and now I can sit wherever I want.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a PokΓ©mon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what itβs saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
due to the pandemic βfollowing upβ is currently suspended. if you try to βcircle back” with me i will call the police
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say βmaybe itβs an old man like last timeβ
Cop lights are so pretty at night
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
girls will post pictures with βmy day oneππβ and itβs just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When youβre a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I donβt.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep