Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.

I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday

[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse

Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said

FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.

ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.

FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.

ME: Milk.

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.

One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”

If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid

Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.

According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.

friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper

me: [from a distance] just open it

“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.

Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?

Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”

I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile

Then walk into a wall

Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy

Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song

FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*

me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome

blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?

me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course

boss: you’re fired

me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that

olive garden manager: why are you quitting

waiter: i signed up to guard olives

(me as a paramedic)

*rubbing two cymbals together*

Clear!

*slams cymbals together*

WAKE UP!

I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up

If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it

Parent level: expert

i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system

Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.

He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.

Me: What did you do today while I was at work?

Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.

Me: I think you’re lying.

Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?

[getting murdered]

Hang on, let me clear my browsing history

Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest