I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
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I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics
A McRib killed my tapeworm.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is my trunk open?
Cop: no.
Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.