I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
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*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed