Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2

REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries

Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”

I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts

I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.

I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.

Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.

[playing the board game Guess Who]

Me: Is your person handsome?

5-year-old: No, they look like you.

Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!

I win.

*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**

EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you

EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast

EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off

Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.

God: you’re a coyote.

Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?

God: Heavenly Way.

Coyote: what about your first pets name?

God: Sprinkles : )

Coyote: awww last four of your social?

God: 0001, why?

Coyote: no reason.

[later]

Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.

After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”

* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.

old twitter is back baby

When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter

Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.

A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.

(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT

Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?

it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”

My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.

I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.

Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?

Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”

I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”