I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
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my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Hmm 🧐
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.