I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
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HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.