I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
You Might Also Like
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.