I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
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I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
I just want an internship man
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
With a text.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.