Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.

“and it goes without saying…”

*proceeds to say it*

Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.

Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?

aesthetic

I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.

If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.

Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”

When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place

I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?

“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.

Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap

Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.

Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.

…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”

Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.

But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?

Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me

Me *whispers*: never again

John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down

colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe

also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund

Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.

I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.

My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.

[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.

genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”

Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !

Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?

just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…

[ cookout ]

Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!

Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup

2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.

We squint at people because they are not.