I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
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Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!