I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
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Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Not to brag, but I don’t need an excuse like being a wealthy CEO or corporate greed to have people wanting to murder me
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.
I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
