I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
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Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires