Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?

Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank

Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.

The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.

“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”

The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.

I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill

9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.

Batman trying to get some sleep during the day

Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?

i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.

it wasn’t ebola

it wasn’t trump

it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year

it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone

I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.

I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.

If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.

My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.

him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.

Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…

Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?

God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.

Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.

[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.

If cooking blogs were tweets:

Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!

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Teacher: Name the five senses

Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashion

Teacher:

Me: *counting on fingers* What?

A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”

Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.

ㅤ

Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.

My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful

Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.

It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.

My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.

Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.

Her: You accepted your flaws?

Me: No. I accepted your flaws.