Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner

And now…a ‘joke’.

Why was the demon in hospital?

It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*

[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three

me as a parent

They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.

i will avenge u mr van gogh

favorite tropes as memes

My coworker Fred got caught with an underaged girl and nobody laughed when I called him “The Fredator”

Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions

Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.

I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.

TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.

wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*

Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years

I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.

Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist

me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me

stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.

Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.

Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs

Google: do you have any enemies?

If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.

…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”

[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?

If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.

him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?

me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar

Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”

Me: “Got it.”

*shits pants*

I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.

Wow planes really have bad luck on that day

Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!