I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
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Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.
Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
This is not me but this is me
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Bro what is this
Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.